Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Waukee]

Confucius Says 3
Confucius Says:

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons.

Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

Man who make love to girl on hill...he not on level.

Honeymoon over when man who whispered sweet nothings before now say nothing sweet.

Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there..

[Evil33]

One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.
He said to her, “If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle.”
The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, “If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”
The wife grabbed her husband’s penis and replied, “and if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your bother!”

[Evil33]

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

[Evil33]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?', she blurts, 'What makes them so special?'
'There are three colors', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.' 'What color are you going to wear tonight?’ she asks cheekily. 'Gold of course', says the man proudly. The wife responds, 'really, why don't you wear Silver: it would be nice if you came second for a change!’

[Evil33]

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice) 'Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great!

Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.'
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, 'Who was that?'
'Oh' she replies, 'That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.'

[Evil33]

The husband is watching TV suddenly his wife comes up behind him and slaps him on the head. Startled he asks; “What was that for”. She replies: I found this piece of paper in your shirt pocket with this Judy name on it. The husband explains he went to the racetrack and the favorite horse was “Judy” so he wrote it down. The wife apologizes. A couple of days later the wife comes behind her husband and hits him with a shovel, again he asks: “What was that for?" The wife replies: “Your horse just called and asked for you."

[Evil33]

Three men sit at a bar. The first says, "I found a tool belt under my bed, I think my wife is sleeping with a repairman." The second man replies, "I believe my wife is sleeping with a plumber, found a plunger under my bed." The third man nods, and says: "I found a cowboy under my bed, I think my wife is sleeping with a horse."

[splicer]

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

[splicer]

Repairing the phone

A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.

Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.

After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.

The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.

A repairman arrived within the hour!

[splicer]

How you made money

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.

"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

[splicer]

Paying in advance

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

[splicer]

A Mother's Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

[Evil33]

A woman goes to her gynecologist for her annual exam and comes home and says to her husband "honey, the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old." "Oh yeah" says her husband, "what did he say about your 45 year-old ass?" "Oh" she says, "He never mentioned YOU!"

[Evil33]

A couple is watching ''Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.'' The husband winks and says, ''Honey, let's go upstairs...''

The wife says, “no”. The husband asks again, and again she says no. The husband asks, ''Is that your final answer?'' The wife says yes!

The husband says, ‘‘well, can I phone a friend?''

[Evil33]

Inflation was getting out of hand so Joe suggested to his wife, Louise, that they try a unique way to save some money on the side.

“Every time we have sex, I’ll give you a dollar for your piggy bank,” he said.
A few weeks later, they decided to open the piggy bank. Out tumbled a bunch of dollars, but these were mixed with a rich cluster of five, tens and twenties.

“Louise,” asked Joe, “where did you get all that money? Each time we had sex I only gave you a dollar.” “So?” she said. “Do you think everyone is as stingy as you?”