Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Hurricane88]

More Saturday jokes...

[Hurricane88]

Sunday jokes...

[atbs]

Bro Hurri

Thank you for the nice jokes.

Really good and funny.

[harbourfront]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Sunday jokes...

Good one and really nice sofa. Haahaahaa.

[GoogleWebster]

Very nice jokes, thanks bro bigbirdbird and Hurricane88.

[Pennsylviana]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Stranded


A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years.

One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, 'It's not a ship.'

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, 'It's not a boat.'

The speck gets even closer and he thinks, 'It's not a raft.'

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, 'How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'

'Ten years!', he says.

She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, 'Man, oh man! Is that good!'

Then she asked, 'How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?'

He replies, 'Ten years!'

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, 'Wow! That's fantastic!'

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, revealing well-shaped perfectly tanned breasts, and she says to him, 'And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?'

And the man replies, 'My God! Don't tell me you've got a computer in there?'

Nice share bro, thanks

[Hurricane88]

A BOY'S FIRST CONDOM

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at nearby pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her
thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the shit out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

[MatthewC]

Good one bro. Thanks for the jokes.

[bigbirdbird]

Setting the Table


My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar ... I read the box in the cabinet.

I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake).

Now, fast forward a few months. It's Christmas Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter.

Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.

Next came my father, who roared with laughter.

Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!"

[bigbirdbird]

Next to the Golf Course



A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"

The man says, "It's in my yard now so it's my ball."

The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand."

He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.

The man asks, "Why did you do that?"

The golfer replies, "I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls."

[bigbirdbird]

Invasive Mouse




A man called his doctor, and said, "Doc", you gotta come over here quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her twat.

The doctor said, "Okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her vagina until I get over there."

The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her twat instead of cheese. The doctor asked, "What are you doing? I said a piece of cheese."

The man said, "I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to come out, the cat chased it right back up her snatch!

[bigbirdbird]

Thank the Irish


A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”

Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”

“True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved.”

[bigbirdbird]

Strange Bar Companions


One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man

orders a beer, and so does the ostrich.

The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender.

The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.

The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back to the bar.

They order the same thing as the day before, and again the cat is really rude to the bartender and won't tip him.

The bartender tells them that their bill is $10.78.

The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.

The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back into the bar. This time the man and the ostrich order a double scotch. The cat orders a scotch and is rude to the bartender.

The bartender smiles to himself, knowing that there is no chance the man will get the

exact amount of money, and he's getting pissed at the cheapskate cat.

He tells the man that their bill is $15.63.

The man reaches into his pocket and gets the exact change!

The bartender is astonished. He asks the man how he always gets the right amount of change.

The man tells him, "Well, one day I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came

out. He told me I could have any three wishes I wanted. My first wish was that I could reach into my pocket and get the exact change of anything I was buying."

"Very smart," said the bartender.

"My second wish was to have a high tolerance for alcohol."

"Good choice!" the bartender exclaimed. "What was your third wish?"

"Well, that wasn't too bright on my part. I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

[Benso]

Pretty good to pass time reading it. Miss olden days when I reading Lao fu zi comics at barber shop.

[dyelook]

laughter bumps......