Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[sic gecko]

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

[hoonkeetan]

Making a living

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom & sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year"

[hoonkeetan]

Pics of Wife

A man walks into his office box on a Monday morning. He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor.
it reads, "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?"
Outraged the man replies, "NO I DO NOT!!!!"
Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from his neighbor.
Expecting an apology he opens the e-mail.
It reads, "Want to buy some?"

[hoonkeetan]

A girl with big boobs

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.

[hoonkeetan]

Counting the Sperms

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[hoonkeetan]

5 Stages of getting Drunk
The 5 Stages of Drunkenness

Stage 1 - SMART: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING: This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH: This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE: This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

[detriod]

Parent's Teaching :

One day, Victor ( Age 9 ) was bathing together with his dad. After a short while, he ask his dad something :

Victor : Dad, what is this long long thing call ? how come yours is so big and mine is so small ?
Dad : Er..... this is call fat Worm. Son, when you grow up, yours will be as big as mine
Victor Oh I see...

another day, Victor was bathing together with his mom. Same thing, After a short while, he ask his mom something :

Victor : Mom, why you got 2 big round round things there ? and why there is patch of black thing below you ?
Mom : Er..... Son, this 2 big round round things is call bun, steam bun. and the black black thing is call hairy jungle
Victor: Oh I see....

Then, 1 night, Victor wake up and wanted to go toilet. But on the way, he hear something from his mom and dad room. So he get closer and peep from the gap of the not close properly door:

Victor : Huh ? how come dad was touching those buns ? and dad is keep on licking the right side bun ? Is it that part nice to eat ? OH NO !!!! MOM !!! get up !!! The big fat worm is walking its way to the hairy forest !!!!

[Sex Discussion]

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.

When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.

A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law.

The panda bear tells the policeman that he’s innocent and, if he didn’t believe him, to look in the dictionary.

The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up “panda bear.”

It says, ”Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.”

[Sex Discussion]

A little girl and her dog are walking through the forest when they suddenly fall into a pit. They scramble and scramble but can''t make their way out.

The little girl yells, the dog barks, but no one is around to hear their calls for help. Slowly, the night sky turns black and they find themselves engulfed in utter darkness.

Off in the distance, the wolves begin howling. Each howl is louder and closer than the last.

The little girl holds the dog close to her chest and says sadly to the dog, “This is the worst mess in which ever have found ourselves, my darling Sparky.”

“Yeah,” the dog says, “we''re really screwed.”

[Sex Discussion]

There was this cat who loved to get drunk, who went to the bar on the other side of the tracks.

He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.

The cat starts to stumble home, and when he came to the train tracks, he didn’t notice a train coming down the tracks.

As he started to cross the tracks, the train zoomed by, and cut off his tail. The cat turned his head to see the damage, got his head stuck into the side of a speeding box car, and is instantly decapitated.

The moral of the story ? don’t lose your head over a piece of tail!

[Sex Discussion]

Rabbit Joke 1
A bumble bee was chasing a rabbit. Finally the bee turned around and flew away. Why? The rabbit had two b’s already.

Rabbit Joke 2
Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come from? Mother Rabbit: I ll tell you when you re older. Baby Rabbit: Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now. Mother Rabbit: If you must know, you were pulled from a magician’s hat.

Rabbit Joke 3
Did you hear about the rabbit who got a job in a watch factory? Alike did was stand around making faces.

Rabbit Joke 4
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!

[Sex Discussion]

Bird Joke 1
A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot “Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I ll break your neck, do you understand?” The parrot reluctantly agrees. On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can’t get the case closed. “Get on top and sit on it baby!” Says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but can’t shut the case. “You get on top baby it might be better” Says the wife, so the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still cant shut the case. After a little thought the man says “Ok we ll both get on top see if that’s any better!” The parrot turns round and says “Neck or no neck I have to see this!”

[Sex Discussion]

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, “Some things you just can't explain.

This morning I was outside milking a cow. As soon as the bucket was full the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left foot to a pole.

I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right foot to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milking the cow again he knocked down the bucket with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.

[Sex Discussion]

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors’ houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, “I need a good guard dog.”

And the clerk replied, “Sorry, we’re all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate.”

The wife didn’t believe him so he said to the dog, “Karate that chair.”

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, “Karate that table.” The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

[Sex Discussion]

Three laboratory rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.

The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.

The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.

“I’m gonna go back to that field of carrots,” says one.

“I’m gonna go back to those cute little rabbits,” says the second.

“I’m going back to the lab,” says the third. “I’m dying for a cigarette.”