Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Sex Discussion]

A man and his friends decided to drive down to Las Vegas for the weekend to celebrate a recent engagement. One man was down on his luck and with his last few dollars bet on roulette. He ended up bringing home well over $50k and afraid his friends would try to mooch off of him, drove home alone and hid the money in the doghouse out back.

The next day the man went outside to walk the dog and saw there was a hole dug in the doghouse and footsteps of dirt which led to a neighbor’s house up the road. This neighbor was deaf so the man ran over to a friend, still hungover from their trip, and explained the situation. The friend spoke sign language so the two went over to the neighbor’s house to demand the money.

The two threw the door open, grabbed the man out of bed. The man told his friend to tell the deaf neighbor that if he didn’t give him his money back, he would shoot him immediately. The friend relayed this message, to which the deaf man stated, “OK OK, the money is in the safe behind the painting in the next room, please take it, I am sorry.”

The translator turns to his friend and says, “he’s not gonna tell us where it is and says he’d rather die.”

[Sex Discussion]

Dr. Levi and his wife are enjoying a fine meal when the good doctor’s blackberry starts ringing. Levi answers and his good friend Dr. Franklin is on the other line.

“John, one of our poker regulars dropped out and we need a fourth, get over here,” says Dr. Franklin.

Dr. Levi replies, “I’m on my way” and runs to the door, grabbing his jacket on the way.

His wife, used to this sort of thing says, “Honey is it serious?”

Levi, halfway out the door as if somebody is having a heart attack tell his wife

“Yes darling, very serious. In fact there is a team of doctors there already!”

[Sex Discussion]

Prescription Poker
Dr. Levi and his wife are enjoying a fine meal when the good doctor’s blackberry starts ringing. Levi answers and his good friend Dr. Franklin is on the other line.

“John, one of our poker regulars dropped out and we need a fourth, get over here,” says Dr. Franklin.

Dr. Levi replies, “I’m on my way” and runs to the door, grabbing his jacket on the way.

His wife, used to this sort of thing says, “Honey is it serious?”

Levi, halfway out the door as if somebody is having a heart attack tell his wife

“Yes darling, very serious. In fact there is a team of doctors there already!”

[Sex Discussion]

I’m sorry what did you say?
Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
A man and his friends decided to drive down to Las Vegas for the weekend to celebrate a recent engagement. One man was down on his luck and with his last few dollars bet on roulette. He ended up bringing home well over $50k and afraid his friends would try to mooch off of him, drove home alone and hid the money in the doghouse out back.

The next day the man went outside to walk the dog and saw there was a hole dug in the doghouse and footsteps of dirt which led to a neighbor’s house up the road. This neighbor was deaf so the man ran over to a friend, still hungover from their trip, and explained the situation. The friend spoke sign language so the two went over to the neighbor’s house to demand the money.

The two threw the door open, grabbed the man out of bed. The man told his friend to tell the deaf neighbor that if he didn’t give him his money back, he would shoot him immediately. The friend relayed this message, to which the deaf man stated, “OK OK, the money is in the safe behind the painting in the next room, please take it, I am sorry.”

The translator turns to his friend and says, “he’s not gonna tell us where it is and says he’d rather die.”

[Sex Discussion]

The 3 couples
Friday, August 14th, 2009
After a long month of hard work, three friends decided to take their girlfriends on a week-long vacation in Las Vegas to have some fun in the casinos. The couples had a blast and the week flew by. When they arrived back home the friends got together for a drink and reminisced about the trip.

The first friend said, “I hate it! My girlfriend played craps all week and now all she does is swing her arms and yell ‘7 come 11′ all night. I haven’t had a good night sleep in days!”

The second buddy says, “I know exactly what you’re going through, my girlfriend played blackjack and now she just bangs the bed all night and shouts ‘hit me light or hit me hard’, and I can’t get any sleep either!”
The third guy, who looks both sore and tired, says, “That’s nothing compared to what I’m going through! My girlfriend played the slots and every morning I wake up with a sore stick and an ass full of dimes!

[Sex Discussion]

The man and his dog
Friday, August 14th, 2009
An old man stops by a pub with his dog and finds a poker game underway in the back room. The man nods to the group’s leader who signals him to pull up a chair. He plays a few hands as his dog looks on from a nearby barstool.

An hour into the game, the old man gets a good 7-stud starting hand. At 5th Street he’s just shy of completing a club flush and getting excited.

Another player, however, is showing a higher community card and appears to be working towards a spade flush. While 7th Street is being dealt, the old man looks to his dog and says, “I could use an ace of clubs.”

The dog leaps from the barstool and charges the dealer who, while reaching down to free his ankle from the dog’s mouth, drops an ace of spades from his shirt sleeve. The dog retrieves the ace and takes it to the old man.

“Stupid dog! Can’t you get anything right?”

The barkeep, who is chucking the cheater out, tells the man, “Mister, that dog saved you a lot of money by catching that cheat.”

The old man throws the exposed card on the table, “I tell her the ace of clubs and what does she bring me but the goddamn ace of spades!”

[Sex Discussion]

John: Did you hear about the new Mega-ball State Lottery for 10 million dollars??
Jen: Nope, sounds great.
John: Not really, the winning person gets 10 dollars a year for a million years!

Frank: “My wife is tired of Vegas and wants to go to a casino somewhere in Asia”
Phil: “Tibet?”
Frank: “Of course moron, otherwise she’d go to a spa!”

A man walks into a poker room and sits down next to Siamese twins. You winning he asks?
“Everything she’s lost, I’ve won” they replied.

A group of cowboys are at the local saloon playing a game of 5 card stud. Guns in their belts they watch each movement of the player next to them to assure nothing fishy is going on. The final hand is being played and the stakes are high.
Following the deal the a cowboy lays his cards out on the table.
“He’s Cheatin!” yells one cowboy.
How do you know asks the accused cheater.
Cause those aren’t the cards I dealt you!

[Sex Discussion]

A local safari park owned by a rich casino proprietor was celebrating its 25th anniversary. The party was held over the alligator tanks which were surrounded by bridges where people could view the animals. At the party the businessman, who was quite drunk, looked at his 30 year old unwed daughter and decided to make an offer.

“My guests,” he stated, “I am going to make a one time only offer. If any man is able to swim through my alligator tank, I will marry him off to my daughter and provide him with a few million as a reward.”

Just as the man is saying a few million there is a splash, followed by a a poor soul swimming, panting and pushing his way through the mud to get to the podium where the rich casino owner is standing.

“WOW,” exclaims the businessman. “that was not only unexpected, it was unbelievably fast.” As promised the businessman offers his daughter and calls his banker to get a transfer ready.

“I don’t need your money,” says the wet, muddy gentleman, who happens to be a professional blackjack player at the man’s casino. “I just want to find the sonovabitch that pushed me in!”

[Sex Discussion]

Tip the dealer
At an upscale Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player begin to discuss the etiquette of tipping and if it is necessary to tip a dealer.
The player contends, “It is not the fault of the dealer when I receive bad cards, just like the dealer isn’t responsible for my good cards. If both are sheer luck, why should I tip him?
The dealer responds, “Do you tip the waiter when dining at a restaurant?”
“Yes,” the gambler replies.
“So by this logic I am right,” says the dealer.

Confused, the player asks why.
“Well, a waiter serves you dinner, but because he doesn’t make it, the quality is irrelevant to whether or not he gets tipped. I serve you cards in the same way, so you should tip me.”
“I guess you are right, “concedes the player, “but a waiter gives me what I order, so I’ll take a Queen.”

[Sex Discussion]

A local casino reaches out to the community by hosting free game nights at old age homes in the neighborhood. Frankie and his friends Linda, Ruth and Estelle decide to have a go at the roulette table. After some various bets Frankie is down on his luck because he can’t win at anything while the ladies are enjoying their victories.

Fed up with the whole thing Frankie puts all of his chips on 00 and watches as the ball spins and lands on it! He’s jumping up and down in excitement at his luck (mind you it’s free Roulette) and his pants fall down and his business is fully exposed to the group.

Linda and Ruth each have a stroke , Estelle is standing too far away.

[Sex Discussion]

A woman’s age
A woman went to Vegas for the first time and settled in at the Roulette table. Feeling indecisive about which number to play, she looked to her boyfriend for advice.

“Play your age,” he said.

The woman smiled and put her money on 29, then watched the ball spin and fall on lucky number 41.

“I won, I won!” she shouted, apparently forgetting she had bet on her “age”, not her age.

Her boyfriend, who until now believed she was 29, fainted. The woman then fainted once she realized her $1,000 payday was being awarded to the 41-year-old lady next to her.

In roulette, like in love…..It pays to tell the truth.

[Sex Discussion]

Lucky Number 00
A local casino reaches out to the community by hosting free game nights at old age homes in the neighborhood. Frankie and his friends Linda, Ruth and Estelle decide to have a go at the roulette table. After some various bets Frankie is down on his luck because he can’t win at anything while the ladies are enjoying their victories.

Fed up with the whole thing Frankie puts all of his chips on 00 and watches as the ball spins and lands on it! He’s jumping up and down in excitement at his luck (mind you it’s free Roulette) and his pants fall down and his business is fully exposed to the group.

Linda and Ruth each have a stroke , Estelle is standing too far away.

[zyspt]

4 fathers was in a pub drinking and they suddenly get together and started talking.
The talk start to turn into a bragging session for the old man and they started to brag about their son.

1st man: My son was a car dealer, was earning quite well, and recently he just gave a car to his dear friend.

2nd man: Thats nothing compare with my son.
2nd man: My son deals with properties, recently he gave a house deed of the most expensive apartment to his dear friend.

The 1st man was impressed by the second man.

3rd man: Yours still can't be compared with my son.
3rd man: My son is a stock broker, recently he gave his dear friend a portfolio that worth a few millions.

The 1st and 2nd man was awed, indeed cannot compare. Seeing the 4th guy not surprise at all, the 1st guy asked.

1st guy: So what does your son do?

The 4th guy took a breath and sigh before started to response.

4th guy: My son is useless, he is a gay, he received a car, a house deed and a portfolio from his mates

[hoonkeetan]

Three Nuns

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "The other day, I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found pornographic magazines under his bed!"

The second nun said, "I can top that. Yesterday I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found some condoms!"

The other nuns asked, "What did you do with them?"

The second nun said, "I poked holes in them."

The third nun fainted.

[hoonkeetan]

32 or 36 inch TV

I am selling a TV to a middle aged man and his wife.

Me: “So it’s between the 32 and the 36 inch TV, right?”

Husband: “Yes, but I don’t understand the difference between them.”

Me: “Well, they have the same specs all the way down the line. One is just bigger.”

Husband: “Who in the hell would pay almost $350 more for four more inches?”

Wife: “I would!”