Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Morris was screwing his best friend's wife when he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands.

"What the hell is your problem?" the lady asked.

"I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friend's pussy," the man moaned.

The lady reached over and patted him on the back.

"Well, if that's all it is, you can stop worrying," she said.

You're not getting his pussy...."His pussy is three to four inches deeper."


************


A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis.

He called in his receptionist to show her.

She took one look and said, "It's just like my husband's penis."

"Wow, you mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.

"No," she replied. "That dead."

[bigbirdbird]

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.

The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer."

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.

After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"

He said, "Why, yes I am!"

So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

[bigbirdbird]

This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village.

Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement.

After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion.

The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light.

His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her.

She's really pleased to have met this guy.

At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed.

He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp.

Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla.

Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance.

The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter.

Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion!

After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid.

Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN.

The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect!

More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself.

"Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!"

She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid.

She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola.

Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed - only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team.

[bigbirdbird]

There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's license.

She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her license.

When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.

She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.

The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."

Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.

As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit"

Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."

[bigbirdbird]

A man has been going out with this chick for 2 years, and he has never touched her in his life. One night she gets really pissed off with this (cos she's a bit of a randy mare at the best of times) and says to him, "Why haven't you ever shagged me? We've been going out for 2 years now and all you have done is kissed me and touched my tits!!"

He looks scared and replies, "Well, when I was 6 my mum told me that a girl's fanny had teeth and would bite my dick off if it came near"

She laughed like a drain and led him into the room, pulled up her skirt and showed him her eager beaver.

"See", she said, "it doesn't have any teeth!!!"

"Well", he replied, "I'm not fucking surprised with gums like that!"

[bigbirdbird]

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it.So she goes to her neighbor and says,"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"

Her neighbor replies,"Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."

She says Well, what the heck it can't hurt to try it.

Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

"So so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."

[bigbirdbird]

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did,"said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning.


********

This guy gets drunk one night, and wakes up with a terrible hangover, and realizes he's in a motel. As his eyes come into focus, he sees a very ugly girl sitting at the foot of the bed, staring at him.

She looks at him says, "What are we going to name it?"

He picks up the rubber he used the night before, ties it in a knot, tosses it out the window, and says, "If he gets out of this we'll call him Houdini."

[Pankunchi]

nice jokes all around here.
thank you very much to all who share here.

[Fmcane]

弄 开 你 の 衣 服 . . .

露 出 你 の 毛 . . .

掀 开 你 の 毛 . . .

弄 出 你 の洞 . . .

然 后 再 找 出 我 那 条 . . .

塞 进 那 个 洞 . . .

那 条 乱 摆 动 . . .

有 水 流 出 洞…

甜 中 带 酸，白 中 带 点 黄 ><

唉 . . .

你 们 说 呐 . . .

喝 椰 水 是 不 是 很 麻 烦 叻 . . . ? o(╯□╰)o

【P S :: 想 歪 的 去 面 壁 思 过 . . . xDD ♥】
---------------------
* 衣服:椰壳
毛:椰的一丝丝毛
欣开毛:椰中的硬壳
洞:开洞
那条: straw
相信很多人都没喝过剩椰中壳的吧?　@@

[Fmcane]

很久很久以前，在老虎王國有一對兄妹，他們各自身懷特殊的能力。

哥哥有著一對千里眼，能夠看到極遠方的微小事物；

妹妹有著一對順風耳，能夠聽到極其細小的聲音；

他們從小一起長大...............一起快樂一起悲傷............. ..

閒暇時候，他們總會跑到後山的山丘上，

哥哥眺望千里外的遙遠國度，對著妹妹述說著那裡各種千奇百怪的事物。

妹妹聆聽微風傳來的訊息，對著哥哥吟唱著遠方教堂傳來的天使般的歌聲。

或許是長時間在一起的緣故，他們愛上了彼此。


雖然他們知道這段愛情是不被允許的，但他們就是無法控制自己。

他們拋開了一切束縛，開始不顧一切地享受著愛情。

然而，紙終究是包不住火的，兩人的關係被發現了。

父親大發雷霆，母親以淚洗面，

街坊鄰居對兩人指指點點，

兩人拼命證明對彼此純真的感情。

但是，由於道德觀念的枷鎖，兩人終究不被允許，已經無路可走了............

為了證明對彼此至死不渝的愛，

哥哥弄瞎了自己的眼睛，

妹妹弄聾了自己的耳朵，

不為什麼，只因為他們認為，既然得不到眾人的祝福，那有這能力又有何用？

反正他們兩人是得不到幸福的一對。

很久很久以後，有個音樂家聽到了這個淒美動人的愛情故事，大受感動。

百感交集下，他譜出了一曲感人肺腑的曲子。

我偶然間聽到了這曲子，不禁悲從中來。

真能令人悲嘆兄妹兩人可歌可泣的遭遇呢！！

很可惜，我沒有它的cd，也沒辦法在這裡讓大家聽到它優美的旋律，

我只能就我所記得歌詞的部分來和大家分享。


希望你們也能體會出其中的感動..................

那歌詞是這樣唱的...........
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“兩隻老虎 兩隻老虎

跑得快 跑得快

一隻沒有眼睛 一隻沒有耳朵

真奇怪 真奇怪”

.................. 不要罵我

[cheekies]

Sorry bros, dun mind i post a video joke here..

[Fmcane]

小明問小華：「內褲和丁字褲有什麼不同？」

小華歪著頭，想了一會，

回答說 ：「內褲..要掰開內褲才看得到屁股，
丁字褲..要掰開屁股才看得到內褲。」

[Fmcane]

話說烏龜與兔子又再比一次賽跑......兔子很快跑到前面去了 ......
烏龜看到一隻蝸牛爬得很慢很慢 ......對他說: 你上來，我背你吧......
然後 ...... 蝸牛就上來了 ......
過了一會.... ..烏龜又看到一隻螞蟻...... 對他說:你也上來吧 ......
於是螞蟻也上來了。
螞蟻上來以後......看到上面的蝸牛 ...... 對他說了句 :你好
你們知道蝸牛說什麼嗎 ？

。
。。
。。。
。。。。

蝸牛說：你抓緊點 ，這烏龜好快 .......

[Fmcane]

老师v.s学生

学生:读书苦，读书累
老师:读书不苦你不会
学生:台下同学打瞌睡
老师:每次都是你先睡
学生:台上老师只会吠
老师:吠你上课学不会
学生:不如加入黑社会
老师:全家移民绿倒睡
学生:天天都收保护费
老师:早晚变成丧葬费
学生:有钱有势有地位
老师:有车有房有牌位
学生:还有美眉陪你睡
老师:睡醒才知恐龙妹

[Kalamata]

Pedas of MathuraA HAWKER of sweets in Patna made good use of his name to sell his wares. He used to go round the streets shouting Mathuraji kay peyday-pedas of Mathura." Mathura being famous for its sweets, particularly its pedas, he did good business. One day he was asked: "Baba, how do you manage to bring pedas from Mathura every day?"
"I never said I brought them from Mathura," replied the hawker, "my name is Mathura Das."