Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Fuxconn]

Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked, "What if one grenade explodes before we get there?"
The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."


A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."


A blonde spies a letter lying on her doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.


A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"


A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond guy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".


(This one actually makes sense...lol)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde replies, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

[AllisFake]

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber."

[AllisFake]

Man & 3 Babies

A man was traveling in a train with 3 babies
A woman inquired - Do these babies belong 2 u?
Man: No, I work in a condom factory n
These r customers’ complaints

[AllisFake]

BRA & BAR

* Both have same alphabets
* Both are DRINKING zones
* Both have restricted time of
Opening & Closing
* But when opened
both makes
MEN crazy.

[AllisFake]

A Blonde Lady

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.
Officer: May i see your licence?
Lady: what does it look like?
Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

[AllisFake]

Lollipop salesman

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women.

They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.

You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a cop", says the first man.

"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen", said the second man.

"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

[soundlab]

How I would look with a beard.

This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.
He replies, “I wanted to see how I would look with a beard.”

[SammyNewbie]

Alright, I shall tell the first two original jokes I made up by myself awhile back.

1) What is the worst thing a programmer can say after writing 20 million lines of code?

No Comments.


2)There are only two words that begin with V in my dictionary : Viagra and Virgin.

Oops... there's only one now. ^^"

[YagamiX]

Doctor & Doctor

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Just sharing some..not sure if they are posted though..kinda long..hope you guys enjoy >< )

[YagamiX]

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."

[YagamiX]

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

[YagamiX]

10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion:

Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.

Moral:

Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!

[soundlab]

The Gravy Laddle.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. “You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Julie said , “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom”

[HornyTonyLIM]

Originally Posted by AllisFake

BRA & BAR

* Both have same alphabets
* Both are DRINKING zones
* Both have restricted time of
Opening & Closing
* But when opened
both makes
MEN crazy.

good one!!

[YagamiX]

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"