Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Criollo]

A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says:

"Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!"

"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already."

The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar.

"Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?"

"Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!"

Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes.

Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it.

"What's this," says the drunk.

"That's a prize for such fine dart throwing," says the bartender.

The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves.

Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated; totally faced.

"Bartender," he says. "Gimme a martini!"

"No, no," says the bartender. "You're too drunk already. Go home."

Again the drunk notices the darts.

"If I can throw three bull's eyes would you gimme the martini?" he asks.

The bartender thinks, "This guy can't be that lucky again. I'll get rid of him."

"Sure, sure," he says, handing the darts over.

Bip, bip, bip. Three bull's eyes.

"Holy cow," says the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it.

"What's this?" asks the drunk.

"That's a prize for being such a good shot."

"Oh," says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves.

Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the same bar.

"Gimme a martini!" he demands.

"No, no," says the bartender. "You've been overserved already. Get on home."

Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says:"Would tossing three bull's eyes prove that I'm not overserved?"

The bartender can't believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three bull's eyes.

"OK," he says, forking over the three darts.

The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously.

Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull's eye!

"Unbelievable!" says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail.

"What's this?" asks the drunk.

"That's a special prize for being so good at darts," says the bartender.

"Oh," says the drunk. "All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?"

[Criollo]

Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks".

To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

[Criollo]

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

[Criollo]

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

[Criollo]

Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.

The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.

They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."

Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.

The man replied, "Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man!".

[Criollo]

This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Eileen?"

The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?"

The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."

Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street.

So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.

The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt.

So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.

And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."

The guy asks" Eileen who?

[Criollo]

Three women were sitting in a bar, (a brunette, red head, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.

The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a boy".

The red head said, "If that is true then I will have a girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived.

The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".

[Anak]

Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking his head. "What's the matter?" inquired the bartender.

"While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the scribbling on the wall, and one that said: WENDY GIVES REALLYFABULOUS HEAD - ABSOLUTELY THE GREATEST B.J. IN THE WHOLE WIDEWORLD!" replied the customer.

"Ah buddy, I wouldn't give it a second thought, we get jerks in here like anywhere else," said the bartender.

"I know," continue the head shaker.

"One of them has scratched outThe phone number!"

[Anak]

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers,' a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

[bigbirdbird]

GUY QUIZ

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town


2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers


3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter


4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about


5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra


6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate


7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron


8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride


9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."


10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered "b" more than seven times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered "c" more than 7 times.... "YOU DA MAN!

[bigbirdbird]

A guy nearing the end of his senior year in high school unfortunately still has to share a room with his brother who is only 9 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.

They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already on the lower bunk.

So he and his girlfriend climbed into the top bunk. As you expected, things began to heat up.

The guy remembers that his brother is sleeping below, so he tells his girlfriend to whisper, "Lettuce" if she wants it harder, and "Tomato" if she wants a new position.

She screams, "Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Whoa!!! Pull It Out Now! I Can't Get Pregnant!"

Then the little brother shouts, "Hey, would you two guys stop making sandwiches up there!

You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!"

[bigbirdbird]

Girls You Might See in the Restroom

SELFISH GIRL: Enters alone and locks the door, saying to the girls following that she will be out in a minute. Leisurely pees. Remarks, adjusts clothes and poses before mirror keeping others squirming outside for an hour.

TIMID GIRL: Turns on faucet full force. Backs up to toilet, raises dress and squats quickly. Listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard.

CONCEITED GIRL: Approaches toilet with undulating movements. Raises dress by finger tips. Expression while peeing indicates such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to such lowly duties. Farts silently and disdainfully.

HARDY GIRL: Raises dress with a whoop. Scuttles across the floor beating other occupant to toilet. Squats with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up and down, hums lively tune, peeing in squirts to keep time, farts loudly and with great glee.

DRUNKEN GIRL: Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts manages to raise dress. Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter. Pees for a while, singing happy songs, suddenly starts to sob broken heartedly as she realizes that she forgot to pull down her panties. Continues peeing and sobbing.

SLOPPY GIRL: Slip drops into toilet while squatting, never uses toilet paper. Drags her business across the seat, getting seat wet. Never flushes toilet. Emerges with back of skirt caught in her panties.

WORRIED GIRL: Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers. Uses toilet paper and examines it carefully and hopefully. Peers into toilet before flushing, resolving never to go to bed drunk again.

THE I DON'T CARE GIRL: Just squats and fires away.

STUBBORN GIRL: Believes all public places are contaminated. Stands three feet in front of toilet, backs up, takes careful aim and fires away, always misses, but will try again.

[bigbirdbird]

GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES
9 INCHES - Oh Shit, pain!!
7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!

AGES OF VAGINA:
16 TO 19 BRAND NEW.
20 TO 28 SLIGHTLY USED
29 TO 36 SECOND HAND
37 TO 45 SUBJECT TO REPAIR
46 TO 55 FOR LUBRICATION
56 TO 60 TOTAL WRECK
61 TO 70 CLOSED FOR RENOVATION!

[bigbirdbird]

Gary, a traveling salesman once got caught up in a blizzard and got shelter with a farmer who had three daughters.

The farmer called him aside and told him, "Young man, I have three daughters, so stay in your room the whole night and no tricks, be warned."

In the morning, Gary, the salesman came down and the farmer asked him, "How was your night, young man?"

"Oh! Slept like a rabbit. Thanks for your hospitality; I will never forget it."

The farmer felt very happy and at the bar that night mentioned this fact to his close friend. He was boasting what a good father he had been by keeping his daughters away from trouble.

His friend laughed aloud and said, "You fool! A rabbit does not sleep at night. It goes from hole to hole the whole night!"

[INeedYouNow]

Maybe someone already posted this.. but ...


======

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said,
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the
'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols.
He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.

Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in
your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.

Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the
way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"