Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[User_Names]

Welcome To Paradise

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."
A few moments later a second man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."
"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."
A few moments later a third man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."
"Excellent my son, I've gotta take a leak, watch the gate will ya?"

[User_Names]

Ten Things To Say
When A Cop Pulls You Over

10. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
9. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
8. You must have been doing 125 to keep up with me.....good job.
7. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
5. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
4. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
1. I was just trying to keep up with traffic!

[User_Names]

Ever Go A Fishin'

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"

[User_Names]

Irish Mike

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

[User_Names]

What Did He Say?


A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment. The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.
She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding."
The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say?
The husband replies, "he wants to see your driver's license."
The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town. The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there.
The women looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He says he knows you."

[bigbirdbird]

One time when I was visiting Toronto I asked a chap where I could find a good house of ill repute. He gave me an address and said to ask for Sally.

I went to the address and requested Sally. She took me to a room, stripped down and said, "Go ahead, but let me know how it is."

After a few minutes I said, "It's not bad but a bit loose."

She said, "Get off for a moment."

I did that and she reached down and fiddled about with her privates.

"Try it now." she said.

I did and found it better but still a bit loose, so I told her so. She repeated her actions and when I tried it again it was perfect.

When we were finished and I was paying her I asked, "How do you manage to adjust it's size to fit anyone?"

"Well," she said, "I've been in this business for some time and have developed warts on one side and wormholes on the other. I just button them up."

[bigbirdbird]

Two matronly sisters lived together and managed a farm. All their lives they had both had an extreme fear of thunder storms and lightning.

One day one of the sisters was visiting a neighbor, and while walking home was caught in a severe thunder storm. Lightning was streaking across the sky and thunder was booming all around. Totally terrified, she ran to a nearby haystack and buried her head in the hay like an ostrich, so she could not see the lightning or hear the thunder.

With her head buried in the hay, her rear end was exposed, and the wind blew her dress up exposing a long unused part of her anatomy. Along came the local stud, and seeing the poor soul's predicament, he did the only thing a well endowed stud would do in such a situation. After fully satisfying himself he zipped up his pants and went on his merry way.

Soon the sister pulled her head out of the haystack and rushed home, calling to her sister, "Sissy, Sissy, let me tell you something! I was just hit by lightning... and we never have to be afraid again!"

[bigbirdbird]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits down, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnnie’s father took him to class his first day of school.

Johnnie’s dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a

bad gambling problem so don’t make a bet with him you can’t win.

The teacher agreed.

When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, “Teach, I’ll make a bet with you,” she replied “Ok, what?”

Johnny said “I’ll bet you fifty dollars I can tell you what color panties you have on.”

She agreed and told him after the last bell he was to stay in the room and then he could guess.

While Johnny and the class were at recess the teacher took her panties off and put them in her purse, and when school was out Johnny stayed in the classroom and the teacher locked the door and said “Okay Johnny, what color are they?

He replied “Yellow.”

So the teacher raised her dress and said “No your wrong, I’m not wearing any.”

Johnny asked her to walk him out to his dad’s car and he would get her money.

So, as Johnny passed his dad going to the car the teacher told his dad that Johnny finally got beat.

He asked what she meant and was told “Johnny bet me fifty dollars he could tell me what color panties I had on, so I took them off.”

The father replied “That son of a bitch, he bet me a hundred dollars he could see your pussy before the end of the day.”

[bigbirdbird]

Q: What can make you feel really good or be very annoying?

A: A woman's mouth!

What did one lesbian say to another?

"Your face or mine?"


Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?

A: Nothing. They've never met.


Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A. "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."



What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?

"How come?"


What did the leper say to the hooker after she gave him a blow job?

Keep the tip.


Q: What did the tampon say to the other tampon in school?

A: I'll see you next period.

[bigbirdbird]

A guy met a girl at the state fair, and she invited him back to her place for the night.

When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy noticed that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the windowsill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.

Later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked confidently,

"So... how was I?"

"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf."

[bigbirdbird]

LiL Johnny is standing on a street corner swatting flies.
Every time he sees a fly he utters, "fucking flies, fucking flies."

Just as the boy says it a shocked priest walks up and says,
"You should not curse the flies because every one of God's creations
Has a purpose."

LiL Johnny, unmoved by the priest's objection says, "bullshit."

"Well tell me 3 things on this earth that God has made without a
Cause" says the priest.

LiL Johnny looks at him with a grin and replies,
"Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these fucking flies."

[bigbirdbird]

Ladies, what kind of dick are you getting?

MISERABLE DICK - When the guy is extremely handsome. He says the right things and does the right things. When it comes to sex, he is lacking in this department. He sucks your tits too hard, kisses your mouth too long, stays around your neck forever. He fingers you like a GYN Doctor, licks your pussy like he's in a track meet and has a very small dick. You try to give him some head, only to find that you are actually sucking a pacifier. This is so miserable. You think, "how can a guy so fine, so polite be so weak" To top everything off ladies, how about just when in your mind you're going to try to get the best out of this, even if you have to make yourself cum, and he beats you to the punch.

DAMN TOLERABLE DICK - This is funny dick. He eats major pussy. He eats it so good, your knees feel a little weak. It was good enough to make you shed a tear. Then he puts his dick in, just for you to realize that you cannot really feel it!! His stroke is UN-timely and non-rhythmic. You work with it by riding on it As if you were in a wild wild west film. You hold your pelvis real tight and try to visualize the last big dick you had to get your mind off this less filling dick. It's funny because in the man's mind he'll say, that we just have big pussies from having too much sex and that is why we cannot feel him. Only for them to forget that the pussy is a muscle that accommodates the size of the penis.

INTERNET DICK - Well, how would we define this type of dick? You see, online they talk a damn good game, but you never know what to expect in person. Then you meet and you fuck and the dick is trash. They talk the bottom out of it, but HE COULD NOT MAKE YOU CUM!!!

OVERWHELMED DICK - I believe this dick ladies we all can testify to. Whoa! This is the type of dick you misjudged. You saw some signs of weakness in this man. He always caters to you and really does not discuss what he can do in bed with you. When kissing him, you notice you make his knees weak. You hold out on giving him some and tease him. You know what size dick he has because you have either: (a) Already gave him some mean ass head, or (b) Stroked it while he was wearing pants or boxers. So, you thought in your mind, "I am going to whip him." Only to Find he laid the "SMACK DOWN" on your pussy. He had you in a figure Eight. You were so overwhelmed that you could not even speak. Your Whole pre-calculated fuck was down the drain. He had more game than you. He was like an energizer bunny that keep going and going and you kept Cumming and cumming. Now you look at him in a different light.

PUNISHABLE DICK - You see, the guy you're sleeping with punishes your Pussy. If he has a bad day at work he "punishes your pussy". If he has A bad meal, "he punishes your pussy". If he is pissed off at you, he Punishes your pussy." No matter what, he "punishes your pussy". It is easy to tell if the guy you're with falls into this category. He always uses phrases like these when he is fucking you: "DON'T RUN FROM THIS DICK", "AIN'T THIS SOME GOOD DICK?" "TELL ME YOU LIKE THIS DICK", "WHAT'S MY NAME?", "WHO'S PUSSY IS THIS?","I DON'T HEAR YOU TALKIN' SHIT NOW", "YOU LIKE IT WHEN I GET IN THIS PUSSY DON'T YA?".

GUILTY DICK - The dick you're getting from someone who is not your man. Ladies who have cheated on their man temporarily can say, "AMEN" to This type of dick. Ladies, this is the type of dick that makes you cry and Confess to your man you fucked someone else. The guilty dick made you Want to tell somebody. Guilty dick is in a class of its own. Guilty Dick will make you look and feel different about the dick you got at home. Guilty dick makes you have multiple orgasms. Makes you cry and you have No clue to why. This dick is so intense, when it is being administered It sends you into a trance. He has a slow, long stroke, sweats on you, Asks you if your comfortable about six times, you started at 6PM and it Is now going on 9PM and he is not tired and hasn't cum yet. The lips on Your pussy are so swollen that if you got outta bed they would be draggin' the ground. It hurt so good. He licks on your pussy as if he was a baby cat licking warm milk, he savors it like you're the main course meal. He smells it like fine wine. By now you're in shock and forget about your man. He has at least two inches more than your man. When you're back with your man, you're wondering why he can't perform like guilty dick. You even have the nerve to get mad and then instruct him to do what guilty dick did to you.

PLEPLEASURABLE DICK - This is good convenk. Easy dick. Dick you can call when your body needs a fix. He gives you major head like GUILTY DICK, and fucks you like GUILTY DICK. Only thing is, you do not have a man so you're not feeling guilty. Whenever you call, this dick is ready. His dick craves your pussy. This dick is available in any place at anytime.

GOTDAMN DICK - Ladies, now this is dick that will definitely send you to hell if you're not married to it. This dick is just like PLEASURABLE and GUILTY DICK. His dick is anywhere from 9.5 to 11 inches long and has the circumference of a half dollar. This dick makes you numb, cry and pray all at the same time. While he is getting it doggy style, you look towards the heavens and say, "GOTDAMN THIS IS SOME GOOD DICK".

CAP'N DICK - This is the gold mine dick. This dick is the dick that you commit yourself too. You do not cheat on it and you keep it a well kept secret. In fact, you constantly crave and feign for it. When you get this dick, you go through convulsions. This is the dick that makes you EVERREADY. You call in sick from work for it. This dick is so major it is OVERWHELMED DICK, PLEASURABLE DICK, GUILTY DICK and GOTDAMN DICK all in one. This is the dick that you want to put insurance on, just in case anything should happen to it. This dick makes you stutter while speaking and has you nervous for no reason. You lay back afterwards thinking "THIS IS HOMEWRECKIN', GOTTA TELL MY MAMA, GOTTA TELLS SOMEBODY, ANYBODY DICK"

Now ladies, which one would/do you have?!!!

[bigbirdbird]

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.

Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

"That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist.

"Holy shit, lady. I never knew you had a minimum!" replied the drunk

[bigbirdbird]

Willy and his friend Harry stopped at a bar and decided to, have a couple of beers .

As they were drinking their beers, they noticed an attractive young woman came in and sit at the bar across the room from their table.

The way she was sitting, they could see up her skirt, though in the dim light, they could not see much.

"Check it out," said Harry, "She's wearing black lace panties!"

Willy looked over, and countered, "That's not black lace, that's hair, see how it shines!"

Looking harder, Harry said "No it's not, you can tell from the way she carries herself, she's a real class act. She's got on black lace panties."

"You're nuts! You can tell from her eyes that she is really wild. She's not wearing anything under that skirt!"

This went on back and forth for several minutes before Willy challenged Harry. "I've got $20 that says she is not wearing panties."

"You're on. How do we find out for sure?"

Willy said "I'll go up to the bar and get a couple more beers. I can get a better look as I go past her."

When he came back a minute later, Willy had a strange look on his face.

"Well, what is it, lace or hair?" asked Harry.

"Flies!"