Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university.

"Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."

"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later.

I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."

"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.

"The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."

[StressedOut]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university.

"Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."

"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later.

I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."

"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.

"The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."

This was really funny liked it alot

[bigbirdbird]

Open For The Night


A bartender is preparing to open for the night when he hears a knock at the door, he opens the door and a beautiful blonde is standing there. "I'm shy could I get a drink before you open?,

She says.So he lets her in.

"What`all it be he asks"?

"25 whiskeys please, just line me up"staggered , he does he watches her down the lot one by one and then she collapses on the floor. The bartender looks over the bar, not bad he thinks
and takes her upstairs, when he has had enough he goes backdown to open up.

Its a really busy night and to boost business he sells the girl for a tenner per go everyone wants a turn and he makes a fortune!!! When he has closed up he takes the girl
and puts her outside the door where she first came from and he counts his profits.

The next night at the same time the door goes again so he answers and the girl is back he can`t believe his luck, inviting her in he asks "25 whiskeys is it love"?

"Oh no she replies, vodka please whisky makes my twat sore!!!!!"

[bigbirdbird]

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper.

The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab.

Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?"

"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.

"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

"Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was gonna get fucked."

[bigbirdbird]

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.

After a few drinks, they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart, and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman obliged, and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes, the woman had eight orgasms.

"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "just wait until I get BOTH legs in there!"

[bigbirdbird]

A ten-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks."

"What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked.

"Later I'll take some pussy," said the kid. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."

[roysux]

new story ???

[Jorel]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A ten-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks."

"What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked.

"Later I'll take some pussy," said the kid. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."

Very nice TS

[bigbirdbird]

A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, “Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, five big baby boys."

The redneck said, "I'm not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney."

The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They’re all black.."

[bigbirdbird]

SEX LIVES ...

*'So, how's your sex life?''Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.''Pension sex?''Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'*


*LOUD SEX**

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, *I've got a big problem, doctor.Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.''My dear,' the shrink said,'that's completely natural.I don't see what the problem is..''The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'*

*QUIET SEX*

*Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,* *'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!' *

*SEX & ARGUMENTS*

*A husband and his wife had* *A bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversaryThe husband yelled, 'whenYou die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold as Ever'.''Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: * *'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' *

*WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX*

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.' He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the Doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.


*ELDERLY SEX*

*One night, an 87 year-old woman came home* *From Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. ​ ​She became violent and ended up pushing him ​ ​Off the balcony of their 20th floor,
assisted living ​ ​Apartment, killing him instantly.​ ​Brought before the court on the charge of murder,The judge asked her if she had anything to say ​ ​In her defence. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...he could also fly.' *

[bigbirdbird]

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire.

He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap.

After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You wanna screwdriver?"

He says, "Hell, we might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off anyway."

[bigbirdbird]

A sheep farmer made his monthly journey into town to buy supplies.

While loading up his pickup, he spotted one of the girls who worked at the bordello watching him.

"Say, honey," he asked, "what's the going rate these days?"

"Hundred bucks," she replied.

"If every man raised sheep, we wouldn't need you women," he exclaimed with disgust.

"Yeah," she said, "and if vibrators could cut the grass, we wouldn't need you men, either."

[DerekCech]

Thanks for the wonderful jokes

[viviankoh]

Please post more jokes... its entertaining ....

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the morning with a Vagina:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do a split.

7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

6. Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes

5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.

3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.

And the # 1 thing a man would do is:

1. Finally find that damn G-spot.