Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[i^Xi0n]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

*Joke of the day!*

_What is the Difference between Wife and Girlfriend?_

great one Pak, do keep on sharing all these funny jokes.

[XuanXu]

Originally Posted by poolhot.

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's.

He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,

"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.".

"What type of bra?", asked the clerk.

"Type?", inquired the man "There is more than one type?".

"Look Around.", said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only
three types of bras.", replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked,

"Only three? What are they?".

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?".

Still confused the man asked

"What is the difference between them?".

The lady responded

"It is quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.".

Thanks for the nice jokes.

[HaPPyNEwYear]

So many nice jokes, thanks all!

[Okazaki]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

*Joke of the day!*

_What is the Difference between Wife and Girlfriend?_

Great Thought in *Modified* Version....

*Wife* is like a *TV* and *Girlfriend* is like a *MOBILE.*

At home you *watch* TV,
but when you go out you *take* your MOBILE.

Sometimes you *enjoy* TV.
But most of the time, you *play* with your MOBILE.

TV is (as good as) *free* for life.
But for the MOBILE, if you don't *pay,* the services will be *terminated.*

TV is *big, bulky* and most of the time *old.*
But the MOBILE is *cute, slim, curvy* and *portable.*

Operational costs for TV is often *acceptable.*
But for the MOBILE, it is often *high* and *demanding.*

TV has a *remote.*
But MOBILE *doesn't.*

Most importantly, MOBILE is a *two-way communication* (you talk and listen)
But with the TV, you *MUST only listen* (whether you want to or not)!!!!😝

Last but not least....!
Yet TV s are superior because
TVs don't have *viruses,*
but MOBILEs often *do....!!!!*😂

And mobiles can be easily *hacked* or *stolen.*

*_Take Care._*

hahha thanks!

[Yakuza49]

Thanks everyone, so many nice jokes!!

[poolhot.]

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous!
I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said,
"What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

[hongxiaomin]

Originally Posted by poolhot.

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous!
I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said,
"What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

Nice joke bro!

[bigbirdbird]

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)


2. WHY DON'T MEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)


4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know....it never happened)


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

[bigbirdbird]

The world according to men

Every blowjob you give, adds one month to your life.

If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.

A handjob a day keeps arthritis away.

Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the treadmill.

Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.

Intercourse prevents divorce.

Regular screwing releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.

Sex eliminates headaches.

Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard", triples your chances of getting into heaven.

Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.

[bigbirdbird]

The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class:

"Mary had a little lamb,
whose fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went,
the lamb was sure to go."

She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and said,

"Mary had a little pig --
An scrawny little runt.
He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes
And smelled her little . . ."

He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?"

"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.

So Johnny said, " . . . Asshole."

[bigbirdbird]

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny give away gestures that can tell you so much about a person.

Train yourself to recognize these key "signs."

~ Man gets in car without opening door for woman. - No foreplay.

~ Can't hail a cab. - Impotent.

~ Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. - Prefers virgins.

~ Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the way. - He is a virgin.

- Wants go to a French Restaurant. - Will swallow.

~ Takes too long deciding what to order. - Has trouble reaching orgasm.

~ Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.

~ Asks what the specials are. - Will want you to use handcuffs.

~ Fills up on bread and crackers. - Premature ejaculator.

~ Drinks decaf. - Fakes orgasms.

~ Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts. - Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

~ Credit card is refused. - Low sperm count.

~ Under tips waiter. - Small penis.

~ Uses toothpick. - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything

[bigbirdbird]

The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance.

"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?"

"It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten- minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you."

"I gotta try it," said Manny. So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.

He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?"

"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where the fuck were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?

[cadsan]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class:

"Mary had a little lamb,
whose fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went,
the lamb was sure to go."

She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and said,

"Mary had a little pig --
An scrawny little runt.
He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes
And smelled her little . . ."

He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?"

"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.

So Johnny said, " . . . Asshole."

This is funny hahahaa, thanks bro

[S.B.Y.1]

[Informer]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

hahaha, this is a good one.