Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons.

Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other, "Should we say hi to those 2 tampons? "

The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."

[ibanezjem555]

Ha ha... This thread never fails to crack me up !

[bigbirdbird]

Take Your Daughter to Work

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work.

The little girl asks, "Why do you call your secretary a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closes her eyes when you lay her down."

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts



Mary comes home from her date with Tom and is on cloud nine. She happily tears off her clothes, tosses them all around the room jumps into bed and falls fast asleep. The next morning her mom comes in and wakes Mary up and says, " How was your date last night?" "It was alright, I guess." "It must have been a lot better than that," says mom, " Your panties are still stuck to the ceiling."



A survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: 5% said it was to get a glass of water... 12% said it was to go to the toilet... 83% said it was to go home!!!



Jill: Oh, there's Janie and Charlie over there.

Mary: Did you know that they didn't sleep together before they married?

Jill: Wow! That's unusual these days.

Mary: Well, he wanted to, but the line was too long..



Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic gynecologist?

A: He wants to look at your vinegar.



Q: Know why it’s called a blow "job"?

A: So the feminists can attach a sort of quasi-work ethic to it without admitting they're really just another bunch of cocksuckers.

[bigbirdbird]

10 Ways You Know You've had Good Sex

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to un-knot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

[bigbirdbird]

On the Subject of Sex

- If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to?

- Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.

- Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

- My wife is a sex object -- every time I ask for sex, she objects.

- Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

- Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

- You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!

- It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

- Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.

- Sex... the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.

- Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes.

- Really, sex and laughter do go very well together, and I wondered - and I still do - which is more important.

- There are three sexes—men, women, and clergymen.

- I started out to be a sex fiend, but I couldn't pass the physical.

- I wish I had as much in bed as I get in the newspapers.

- Sex — the poor man's polo.

- If someone had told me years ago that sharing a sense of humor was so vital to partnerships, I could have avoided a lot of sex.

- Sexual intercourse began in nineteen sixty-three (Which was rather late for me) between the end of the Chatterley ban and the Beatles' first LP.

- An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.

[bigbirdbird]

Some Adult Sayings of Confucius


Confucius says:

'Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.'

'Virginity like bubble. One prick and all gone.'

'Man who run in front of car get tired.'

'Man who run behind car get exhausted.'

'Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.'

'Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.'

'Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.'

'Man who scratches arse must not bite fingernails.'

'Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.'

'Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk.'

'Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.'

‘War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.'

'Man who sleep in cathouse by day sleep in doghouse by night.'

'Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.'

'It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.'

'Man who drive like hell bound to get there.'

‘Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.'

'Man who lives in glasshouse should change in basement.'

‘He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.'

'Man who farts in church sits in own pew.'

'Man with one chopstick go hungry.'

[bigbirdbird]

Seminar


A man had just returned from a weeklong seminar.

His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick, as he looked absolutely terrible.

"Well..." said the man, "I met this blonde, and turned out she was taking the same training I was and wanted me to tutor her.

One thing led to another, and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."

"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?"

"Well..." said the man, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying with remorse, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."

"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged?"

"Well...." said the man, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."

[bigbirdbird]

A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS



1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?


It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer
from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a
male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching
and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just
misunderstood.


2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?


Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the
testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides,
women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm
fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one
quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability,
we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.


3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?


We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's
much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.


4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?


We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated
by a few simple (and well chosen) words.


5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?


You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you
get into trouble with your partner.


6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?


Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old
fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world
nowadays.


7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?


Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and
women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have
no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like
rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel.
Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.


8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?


Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as
much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for
hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave...
Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the
other hand is a whole other story.


9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?


Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that
enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In
prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended
periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were
able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on
this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by
saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are
born with this innate ability.


10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"


Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we
love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a
character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.


11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?


Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way
to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.


12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?


We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your
questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like
the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.


13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?


Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn
well you'll pick it up.


14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?


This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you
know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a
sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us
stomach cramps.


15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?


It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out,
kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at
things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

[bigbirdbird]

A Man's thoughts on Fellatio aka Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

[35cents]

another good one bro!

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons.

Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other, "Should we say hi to those 2 tampons? "

The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."

[quinoagrain]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

10 Ways You Know You've had Good Sex

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to un-knot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

another great one bro!

[sommeliers]

Tks bro Bigbigbird for posting jokes.

[UnderHeight]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS



1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?


It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer
from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a
male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching
and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just
misunderstood.


2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?


Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the
testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides,
women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm
fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one
quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability,
we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.


3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?


We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's
much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.


4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?


We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated
by a few simple (and well chosen) words.


5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?


You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you
get into trouble with your partner.


6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?


Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old
fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world
nowadays.


7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?


Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and
women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have
no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like
rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel.
Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.


8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?


Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as
much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for
hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave...
Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the
other hand is a whole other story.


9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?


Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that
enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In
prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended
periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were
able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on
this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by
saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are
born with this innate ability.


10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"


Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we
love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a
character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.


11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?


Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way
to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.


12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?


We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your
questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like
the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.


13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?


Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn
well you'll pick it up.


14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?


This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you
know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a
sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us
stomach cramps.


15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?


It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out,
kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at
things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

Another good joke bro!

[Oldernised]

Bro bigbirdbird, thanks for sharing nice jokes