Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[musong]

Thanks for sharing very good jokes

[S.B.Y.1]

[DSalvatore]

Great thread..thanks for sharing.

[oneuponsix]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

Recalling those days when I peek at my dad's Playboy magazine!

[bigbirdbird]

Muru went to London to earn money and after 6 months he sent letter to wife: "I set up business. Sold 40 mattresses and 5,000 panties so far and earned £50,000.00

Father saw the letter and replied: "You better close your shop and come home soon as Your Wife made £100,000.00 with one mattress and no panties!!!

[bigbirdbird]

[bigbirdbird]

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.

He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, ‘How am I doing?’

The prostitute replies, ‘Well Norman, you old sailor, you’re doing about three knots.’

‘Three knots?’ he asks. ‘ What’s that supposed to mean?’

She says, ‘You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.

[bigbirdbird]

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.,and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that is still too crude.Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have todo with being a whore or a call girl?".

"Well, I raised over 700 little peckers last year."

[bigbirdbird]

I Like Rodeo Best


Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions:

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's." And then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts


Q: Why is it so hard for women to take a piss the morning after?
A: Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?


A girl sat sobbing in the police station. "I . . . I was raped by an Irishman," she wailed.
"How do you know it was an Irishman?" the officer asked. "I had to help him," the girl replied.


Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.



When a girl gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun. BUT...when a guy orders a 240-volt Binford FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with a 6-speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optimal built-in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, he's called a pervert!!



Q: What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.



A boy pulls down his pants in front of a girl and asks, " Do U have this? " The girl lifts up her skirt and says," My mom said with this I can have a lot of THAT!"


Q: How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
A: When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

[bigbirdbird]

Halloween Party





A middle-class gentleman decided one week before Halloween to have a Party on Halloween night. The theme of the party was that you must Have a costume that represents an emotion. The word spread quickly, and since anybody was welcome, it was sure to be a big party.

On the night of the party, the house was filled with people, a brown costume for the shitty mood, a multicolored costume for Premenstrual Syndrome, and many others both interesting as well as funny.

The man continuously received knocks on the door, and always let the person in, regardless of their taste in costume.



Once again, a knock rapped on his door, and he opened it. A beautiful woman stepped in, Wearing a red dress with ruffled sleeves. "You look beautiful tonight Miss, what is your emotion?" the man asked.

"I'm red with anger," said the woman.

The man smiled and let her in to join the others in the party.



Five minutes later another knock on the door came, and he opened it, to have Another beautiful woman in a green dress step in. "What are you supposed to be, my pretty?" the man asked.

"I'm green...green with envy.," said the woman.

"Quite clever!" said the man. He stepped aside to allow her to enter.

Two minutes later, another tapping on the door came. He opened it, and In front of him stood a 6'6", naked, smelly, hairy man. On the end of His erected penis stood a pear.

"I hears you got yourself a party," said the stranger.

"That is correct," said the man, trying to keep his cool. "What are you supposed to be?"

"The naked stranger looked down on the man and, in a booming voice, Replied, "I'm fucking despair!"

[bigbirdbird]

Hanky-Panky


St. Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in Heaven.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one: "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry, too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst: "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up, I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.

He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”

“I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in this cedar chest…”

[bigbirdbird]

Back Pain


One morning at a doctor’s surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got

home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew

someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the

balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man

running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,

That's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said

"My previous patient was looking bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first

day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out

of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to you?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge when someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

[bigbirdbird]

Hospital Visit


A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all. Nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old a Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

“Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot

chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed!"

[coppercoins]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

I Like Rodeo Best


Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions:

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's." And then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

Hahahahaa I like this one!!