Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[StrongBrew]

Two neighbors are talking to each other.
First neighbor: Do you know that my dog is so smart, he waits for the newspaper to drop at the doorstep and then delivers it to me?
Second neighbor: Of course, I know that very well.
First neighbor: Really, well then, how did you know?
Second neighbor: My dog came and told me.

[StrongBrew]

Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, "Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death. I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and exploded into pieces."

Sam continued, "I was taken to a hospital and I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head. I am really lucky to be talking to you now"

There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, "Who is Mary?"

[amberwater]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, "Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death. I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and exploded into pieces."

Sam continued, "I was taken to a hospital and I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head. I am really lucky to be talking to you now"

There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, "Who is Mary?"

Thanks for sharing nice joke. More please!

[QuandumFC]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

Two neighbors are talking to each other.
First neighbor: Do you know that my dog is so smart, he waits for the newspaper to drop at the doorstep and then delivers it to me?
Second neighbor: Of course, I know that very well.
First neighbor: Really, well then, how did you know?
Second neighbor: My dog came and told me.

Smart dog haha, nice share bro

[JillCrusoe]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

My wife died a few months ago. Ever since I’ve been a total mess… no sleep, weight loss, bloodshot eyes, unlaundered clothes… The other day my best friend told me “Steve, you’ve got to stop partying!”

Very nice joke and thank you bro.

[kockerel]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Laughter best med...

Good share man

[Hurricane88]

Morning laughter...

[StrongBrew]

A boy asks his Dad one day, "Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"
His Dad replies, "Because she was conceived in Paris."
The boy says, "Ahh, thanks Dad."
His Dad says, "You're welcome, Backseat."

[StrongBrew]

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope slapped him.

[StrongBrew]

Obama, Hillary Clinton and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned and what you believe in."
God asks Obama first: "What do you believe?"
Obama thinks long and hard, looks God straight in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen."
God can't help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Clinton and says, "And what do you believe?"
Clinton ponders for a while and then says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."
God is greatly moved by Clinton's eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?"
Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

[StrongBrew]

Donald Trump is flying over New York City.
He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy!"
His son looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy."
Donald says, "Son, that's a great idea!"
His wife turns to him and says, "Donald, why not throw one thousand $1 bills out the window? You could make one thousand people happy!"
Donald looks at her and says, "Babe, that is a fantastic idea! The best I've heard!"
The pilot turns and looks at Trump and says, "As long as you're at it, why don't you throw yourself out of the window and make millions of people happy?"

[StrongBrew]

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "Donald Trump sucks!" written in urine across the snow.
Well, he's pretty annoyed about this so he storms into his security staff's headquarters, and yells, "Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Trump hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!"
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"
Trump says, "Give me the bad news first."
The officer says, "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine."
Trump says, "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?"
The officer replies, "Well Mr. President, it's Melania's handwriting."

[dyelook]

laughter bumps.....

[diputs1269]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

Two neighbors are talking to each other.
First neighbor: Do you know that my dog is so smart, he waits for the newspaper to drop at the doorstep and then delivers it to me?
Second neighbor: Of course, I know that very well.
First neighbor: Really, well then, how did you know?
Second neighbor: My dog came and told me.

Love this men's best friend joke.

[Hurricane88]

Morning laughter....